Yesterday would have been my Dads 99th birthday.
He was late to fatherhood—39 when my twin brothers finally showed up, and 40
when I came along barely over a year later. We had him around a good long time.
He was 91 ½ when he passed away in late 2009. But the age gap meant we were
relatively young to lose our Dad, especially so for my sister, who is eight
years younger than I am. I have a lot of friends a decade or more older than I
am who still have their parents. That’s part of the variety of life.
 |
| My Dad, WWII Army photo |
Anyway, since Father’s Day is coming up this week (which began in 1910, eight years before my Dad was born), I thought
I’d go ahead and honor fathers—with their civilizing superpower, today.
I’ve written about fatherhood, and Father’s Day, fairly
regularly here. There’s an even larger list related to strong families, but we’ll
focus mainly on fatherhood today. So here is the collection, after which I’ll
pull out a few highlights:
From “Fathers”
In an interview about the study, Dr. [Brad] Wilcox said,
After kids come along, men are more likely to be engaged
civically in their communities in activities ranging from youth soccer to
church. Furthermore, they typically work harder and earn more money after they
become dads, provided that they live with the mother of their children. One
study found that “married, residential, biological fatherhood is associated
with wage gains of about 4 percent, but unmarried residential fathers,
nonresidential fathers, and stepfathers do not receive a fatherhood premium.”
So, men become more engaged at work and in civil society in the wake of
assuming the role of fatherhood.
 |
| Mr. Spherical Model carries sons Political Sphere and Economic Sphere |
Many of the outcomes of good fathering reinforce what
sociological studies have been showing for some time. Additionally, though, Dr. Wilcox
says having an involved father in the home actually leads to better mothering
from mothers—assuming the father is doing his job well. He said, “It’s crucial
for married fathers to do their best to be attentive, affectionate, engaged in
the practical work of the home, and thankful towards their wives.”
From “Honoring Fathers”
There’s a summary of
family research I often turn to for data, called Why Marriage Matters. I’m going to list some of the conclusions
here, to show how important it is to children and to civilization for fathers
to be present in the family. (Please go to the original for sources and more details, available
through www.AmericanValues.org.)
1.
Marriage increases the
likelihood that fathers have good relationships with their children. (Children
of divorce report having much worse relationships with fathers.)
2.
Cohabitation is not
the functional equivalent of marriage. (Outcomes for children are equivalent to
single-parent households, with higher incidents of abuse.)
3.
Growing up outside an
intact marriage increases the likelihood that children will themselves divorce
or become unwed parents.
4.
Marriage is a
virtually universal human institution. (It is a significant factor in every
civilization in history.)
5.
Divorce and unmarried
childbearing increase poverty for both children and mothers.
6.
Married couples seem
to build more wealth on average than singles or cohabiting couples.
7.
Married men earn more
money than do single men with similar education and job histories.
8.
Parental divorce (or
failure to marry) appears to increase children’s risk of school failure.
9.
Parental divorce
reduces the likelihood that children will graduate from college and achieve
high-status jobs.
10.
Children who live with
their own two married parents enjoy better physical health, on average, than do
children in other family forms.
11.
Parental marriage is associated
with a sharply lower risk of infant mortality.
12.
Marriage is associated
with reduced rates of alcohol and substance abuse for both adults and teens.
13.
Married people,
especially married men, have longer life expectancies than do otherwise similar
singles.
14.
Marriage is associated
with better health and lower rates of injury, illness, and disability for both
men and women.
15.
Children whose parents
divorce have higher rates of psychological distress and mental illness.
16.
Divorce appears
significantly to increase the risk of suicide.
17.
Married mothers have
lower rates of depression than do single or cohabiting mothers.
18.
Boys raised in
single-parent families are more likely to engage in delinquent and criminal
behavior.
19.
Marriage appears to
reduce the risk that adults will be either perpetrators or victims of crime.
20.
Married women appear
to have a lower risk of experiencing domestic violence than do cohabiting or
dating women.
21.
A child who is not
living with his or her own two married parents is at greater risk of child
abuse.
The study summary ends
with this conclusion:
Marriage
is more than a private emotional relationship. It is also a social good. Not
every person can or should marry. And not every child raised outside of
marriage is damaged as a result. But communities where good-enough marriages
are common have better outcomes for children, women, and men than do
communities suffering from high rates of divorce, unmarried childbearing, and
high-conflict or violent marriages.
From “Dad Rules”
·
Spend time, more than money.
·
Work hard for and with his family.
·
Enjoy playing with his family.
·
Love the mother of his children.
He can be athletic or not. He can be good with a grill or
not. He can be loud or quiet. He can be polished or a little rough. He can be
himself, whatever that is—if he’s trying to be his best self.
Here are a few of the quirks we’ve observed in our household
Dad, Mr. Spherical Model.
·
Vacations are for doing things you don’t
normally get to do, or see things you don’t normally see; so there’s no excuse
for wasting a minute. You fill every minute. Ten+ miles a day should be
minimum.
·
Sports are for girls every bit as much as for
boys—and Dad will just about always be the coach (which explains why daughter
Social Sphere learned basketball instead of dance).
·
A dad that is big enough to intimidate just by
walking in a room and looming over everyone gets the luxury of acting friendly
to the kids’ friends.
·
Being considered an honorary teen for several
extra decades is better than a lot of worldly honors.
·
It’s good to be one of those
dads/grandpas/neighbors who loves holding babies and is sure he has the secret
formula for calming fussiness.
·
When you say no to a daughter and she texts back
that she hates you, you can be sure that she doesn’t really hate you and an
apology is forthcoming; but you can save the texts to illustrate the amusing
anecdote later.
·
Sure, save for a daughter’s wedding, but no
matter what, it will cost more than you ever envisioned—but if you’ve been a
good Dad all along, then she’s probably choosing the right groom, and it’s
worth it.
·
Never swear around the Mom or kids, and the kids
won’t swear around their Mom either (and maybe not around their friends
either).
From “Building Better Families”
What are some of the ways to make a family more successful?
Here are some of the ideas from yesterday’s lesson:
·
Pray together daily as a family.
·
Study scriptures together as a family, and teach
your children your religious beliefs.
·
Do things together as a family—recreation, work.
·
Have family meal times and hold family councils.
·
Attend church meetings together regularly.
·
Keep a family history; share stories about
elderly family members and ancestors.
Some years ago I had a lesson to give in our children’s
auxiliary on Father’s Day. I wanted to be sensitive to any child that day who
didn’t have a father, because if we made something to give to fathers and they
didn’t have one, they could feel excluded. So I looked at the list of 60 or so
children—and there was not a single child not living in an intact two-parent
household. In our world today I know that’s rare. I know it’s rare even within
my church. It was a snapshot. But it was telling. In that little community
parents were doing many things right. The odds continue to build up against us,
but the solutions to stopping and correcting the decay are known. They just
have to be chosen.
And one final quote:
“One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.”—17th
Century English Proverb
No comments:
Post a Comment