There’s something fairly positive in the message that
everyone has value, and everyone is important and special in some way. You just
need to find your talent/purpose/superpower to benefit mankind.
I have been considering the idea that, in the ordinary real
world we live in, some of us have significant advantages, just because of a
connection to what has for millennia been ordinary: growing up in an intact,
loving family.
The social data continues to grow, all of it showing
advantages to children raised in intact families with married mother and
father. I’ve written about the value of family, mothers, fathers, and marriage
many times (a good starting list is in the April 23, 2012 post “More on
Marriage”). I’ve written a few times (see “Family Ties to Economics” December7, 2012) about the well-established formula for preventing poverty:
1. Don’t have sex before age 20.
2. Don’t have sex until after marriage.
3. Stay married.
4. Obtain at
least a high school diploma.
But what if there is an additional formula, not just for
avoiding poverty, but for likely greater success? Last year I wrote about Charles Murray’s book Coming
Apart, which described four founding principles: industriousness, honesty,
marriage, and religion. These were agreed upon as essential virtues by all the
founders. They are agreed on as virtues today generally in the most successful
areas (Murray referred to them as the SuperZips, identifying certain zip
codes). The upper middle class adheres to these principles, and is thereby
perpetuating success generation after generation, while lower middle class and
lower class areas (by income and education) lack religious commitment, intact
families, honesty, and all the behaviors that prevent decay.
As I write about at the Spherical Model, the answer to greater success is what it has always been for
thriving civilization: strictly live the civilizing principles (essentially the
Ten Commandments) and value family. Family is the way the civilizing principles
pass from generation to generation. Schools can’t do it, especially without the
support of the home. Government can’t do it. Without family, even the churches
can’t do it.
I have a story, from almost two decades ago, that shows the
passing on of the values. It was when our second son was in I believe fifth
grade (still in public school at that point), and they were going through the
first iteration of basic sex education. I had been to the school and reviewed
the curriculum and talked with the school nurse ahead of time. While I would
have preferred handling this entirely at home, this was before I became a
homeschooler, and I felt satisfied with the way the school was teaching the
information (family values included in that rather civilized corner of the
country). Economic Sphere, as he frequently did, was excited about new
information, and started a series of “did you know…” quiz questions when he got
home. One of the surprising pieces of information was that children could be
born even when their parents weren’t married. So we had a teaching moment.
Back in the day, our boys learning superpower skills from their dad |
At that time there was a young woman from our church, age 17,
I think, who got pregnant and was going through the natural consequences. She
was repentant, and wanted to repair her life and set things right. The young
man was going off to college in another state, and they realized they did not
want to be married. So she worked through the possibility of giving up the baby
for adoption, a difficult decision for a young woman. Consulting with her
parents, she concluded that placing the child with a married couple who had the
same religious beliefs as her family would be best for the baby.
Even with that best-case scenario, the decision was
heartbreaking. Then it was made more so when the young man’s parents insisted
that, if she was going to give up the baby, they would adopt it, because
letting go of a grandchild was unacceptable. In that state, they had the right
to override the mother’s decision about who should get to adopt her child. She
didn’t want them to raise her child; they might be loving grandparents, but
they hadn’t done so well at raising the baby’s father, and she really wanted
her child raised in her religion. So she chose to keep the child.
She had loving parents who helped out for several years,
allowing her to live with them as needed while she went through nursing school
so she could support herself and the child. At the time of the conversation
with my son, the decision was made to keep the child, and I believe the child
had been born. Economic Sphere and I talked about how the child would be
surrounded by people who loved him: both parents would be involved, and all
four grandparents. But that child would never have the opportunity to live in a
home with both parents at the same time.
It was a major “aha” moment. The starkness of that lack of
both parents in the home was very clear—and practically unthinkable. Any child
could see that you need both a father and a mother. No other arrangement fills
the child’s needs.
Because of the way we lived, and because of the clarity of
contrast, we had that opportunity to pass along essential values to a son at a
young age—so the decision about risky behavior was made years before teenage
hormones could interfere with the brain. That is the power of families.
Teaching moments like that come up day by day through the years, continually
building the power.
I don’t want single mothers and fathers to feel worse about
their situation. They may want the best for their children as much as married
mothers and fathers. And there is nothing that says they can’t succeed. There
is simply the fact that the odds are against them. Church, neighborhoods,
community organizations like sports leagues and scouts can help make up for
deficits in single parent families. But only if the social capital cost isn’t
overwhelming. In the better neighborhoods, the SuperZips that Charles Murray
illustrates, the few exceptions to intact families are easily floated aloft
with the strong families. But in the already struggling neighborhoods, there’s
not enough social capital to make up for the overwhelming deficit.
The idea that a marriage can always break up if things get
tough is a tempting escape. One of the strongest incentives to work on a
marriage and make it better comes from growing up in families that stayed
together. I find myself feeling grateful that all three of my children married
people who came from such families. Mr. Spherical Model and I both came from
such parents. And grandparents. And great-grandparents. Our tradition of
lasting families is not a guarantee that families will always last, but it is
an extra power.
If you want to give your children even more power, practically
a superpower in today’s world, save sex for marriage; choose wisely who to
marry, stay married forever, and take your children to church with you. And
then let your children know the value of the gift you’re giving them, so they
will value it in the generations to come.
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