To start, we followed the formula for avoiding poverty:
1.
Don’t have sex before age 20.
2.
Don’t have sex until after marriage.
3.
Stay married.
4.
Obtain at least a high school diploma.
We went beyond that, as is very normal among Mormons. We
were around 22 when we met. I had a college degree; he had spent two years as a
missionary and was still working on a degree—eventually going on for a master’s
degree. We were married in the beautiful, historic Salt Lake Temple, which
requires that we come there worthy, including no sex before marriage.
We spent a few years in poverty, as students. It was the
early ‘80s, with the country still digging out of the malaise of the Carter
years, and sometimes we were without employment. Sometimes dinner was macaroni
and cheese. And I think there was a year we didn’t go out to dinner except for
our anniversary. (That meant not even McDonald’s.)
We lived in a trailer park, along with many other student
couples, which we not-too-affectionately called “Poverty Park.” The jalousie
windows froze shut in winter. Mold grew on the walls and crawled down toward
us. We had a leak in a wall once that led to our waking up to mushrooms growing
in the living room carpet. Leaks in the
ceiling used to soak into the popcorn ceiling (a standard sort of ceiling
texture back in the day), and the plaster would plop down into my cooking. The
swamp cooler (an air conditioner that is only useful in desert places) used to
blow out the gas stove, which was kind of dangerous, since the gas was still
flowing. Elm bugs used to infiltrate the add-on where our laundry and storage
were; I was still finding their carcasses in boxes for another ten years.
But we grew a garden all around our place, so we had enough
tomatoes to can. And we had music, because I brought a piano into the marriage.
And we had books galore—one can never have enough bookshelves. We didn’t have a
television for the first three years, but it didn’t seem to matter.
We never assumed that poverty was our destiny. It was just
something to go through during the college years. It took probably five years
before we nudged our way into the middle class, so it took some patience. It
took eight years before we bought our first small home. And another nine years
before we moved to Texas and built the nice home we’re in now. It’s the nicest
home I’ve ever lived in, but still well below median for Houston. Thinking
worldwide, though, we probably look really wealthy.
We’ve managed this mainly on a single income, since I became
a stay-at-home mom in 1987. We still do our own lawn care and house cleaning.
We still mostly cook at home. When our kids needed something better than public
schools, we homeschooled. We’re not close to moving into the upper-middle class
even now, but we’re comfortable.
We were both educated and capable of making a decent income.
We could have both done that singly. But statistically speaking, the odds are
that we made more together, even without my income most of those years, than we
would have separately. Married people seem to have more purpose in working
toward goals, such as buying a home, and
building wealth. Because there are other people counting on us.
Prosperity is one of the benefits of marriage.
There are also health benefits. Married men and women have
significantly longer life expectancy than singles. Long-time married to one
spouse have the best health scores. Married elderly are a lot less likely to be
depressed and lonely, and more likely to stay active. I happened upon a story
this week, in The Family in America newsletter, about marriage contributing to heart health.* That has been known for men for some
time. But this study showed that, while married and single middle-age to senior
women have equal rates of developing heart disease, married women are 28% less
likely to die from a heart attack. The study couldn’t identify the reason: no
one else around to tell about the symptoms or notice the collapse? less social
interconnectedness? or just less will to live for the sake of others? They
simply found that, all other indicators aside, in a very large study in
Britain, married women are more likely to live.
Then there are the quality of life issues. Family. I looked
for the “deathbed quote,” and there are so many variations, it’s hard to
identify the first, but this one is essentially it:
What do most people say on their deathbed? They don't say, 'I
wish I'd made more money.' What they say is, 'I wish I'd spent more time with
my family and done more for society or my community.'—David Rubenstein
What happened when we married was
the birth of a family. We believe families are forever. We have three children
(plus one waiting for us in heaven). Our three are grown, married, and beginning families of their own. Next
month we get a third grandchild.
Grandchildren are one of the best benefits of marriage. Little PS1 and Little PS2 at their great grandparents' farm |
My parents had four children, all
married. Added together, we’ve raised twelve kids, and so far we have ten
grandchildren. My husband’s parents had six children. Together they have parented
30, and are, if I'm counting right, grandparents to 15. Because we’re mostly going beyond
replacement rate, we’re increasing. And, for the most part, we’re increasing in
contributing, educated, moral members of society. We’re building civilization.
We do that better than single
people do. That’s just a fact. Statistically speaking, and also in our case in
reality. Raising children with love, security, stability, opportunity—along with
adequate food and shelter—leads to adults who form families and build more
civilization.
Life is not about how successful
you are in a career; it’s about success within your home. As David O. McKay famously
said, “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.” If you don’t
have civilization at home, you’ll be hard pressed to find it in your
surrounding world.
You may be one of those without a
successful family due to circumstances you can’t control. Still, what you can
control is civilization within yourself. Like attracts like. If you live a
civilized life, whatever your circumstances, you will find pockets of civilization
to connect to. Even when you can’t choose all of the details of your life, you
can always choose truth, love, and ultimate good.
__________________
* Bryce J. Christensen and Nicole
M. King, Forthcoming in “New Research,” The Family in America. Study: Sarah
Floud et al., “Marital Status and Ischemic Heart Disease Incidence and
Mortality in Women: A Large Prospective Study,” BMC Medicine 12 [2014]: 42.
Web. See also http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/273837.php.
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